Strawberry Hunter - Pandemic edition

I know this is a difficult time. Shelter-in-Place is unusual and loss of income distressing. The worst thing is not knowing. Not knowing if you or a friend or a loved one will get the virus . . . .  what we do know is that someone you know will die before it's all over.

This makes it just the right time for some humor. Gallows humor? Perhaps a little.

March 25 was international waffle day. I had 6 kinds of gluten free flour. What I did't have was milk, eggs and strawberries.

Please read through to the bottom there's an update.

I have always been a cheap skate. I am disabled and subsist on much less per month than the 40 hr/week take home pay that one gets from the famously inadequate federal minimum wage. The 40 months before the stipend started I lived on no income, the kindness of strangers and friends. All of this has caused me to develop special skills so I can live fairly comfortably. Including a Scrooge like skill at not spending money. I am the big game hunter of bargains online and out in the wilds of the strip malls and big box stores. Tracking big game by paw prints in the sand leading to the elusive BOGO for something that is actually useful. Even with my many personal austerity measures in place I'm down to my last $10 till direct deposit hits a week from Friday. $7.56 is left on the SNAP card. I have my pith helmet on, debit card (that would be pointless to identity steal) in hand, I proceed.

Out I go into the Mad Max dystopian COVID-19 now to forage for food. But it isn't that outside. Traffic is a bit lighter. No nomads wandering with matted hair and tattered clothes. Maybe I see one out of the corner of my eye. Must have been a garden variety homeless person.

The city and county decided last year that they wouldn't licence Marijuana Dispensaries (because:shit for brains). Even so, the two just up the street from me had been jammed with cars on all weekends and holidays. This is kind of like a holiday or super long weekend. As I drive by I see no cars today. Maybe saw a waft if green smoke. Good to know the local pothead population is exercising Social Distancing. Passing a joint sounds like a risky business these days.

I make my way to WalMart because they usually have the cheapest milk. The parking lot is full, just not quite as much as usual. As usual the handicap spaces are full. I'm feeling spry; fairly close is good enough. No one is in a panic and are subtly keeping the 6' clean zone around themselves. More or less. The isles are not 9' across.

Then it starts when I pick up a loaf of that French bread made in-store marked at 46¢. Do I want to make my bowels mad again just to save a few . . . like one of those movies with cg animated elements I see little glowy orange and blue dots on the bread wrapper and floating around it. Maybe more like one of those animated infographics that teach something in the most neural neutral way possible. I'm not tripping out or anything like that. It's just a thing my imagination does sometimes to make things fun. The highlighter pen of the hunt.

I decide cheap bread I didn't have to make myself is worth the discomfort and brain fog. Loaf in hand I walk towards the cold box where they keep the jugs of milk. I eye the door handle for little orange and blue dots. Don't see any. They must have just wiped this area down. Gallons of whole milk had been just over $3 now it's $4.36. They raised it a buck? Then I see that it is not the house brand, it's Producers. Still don't seem right. At the bottom are jugs of "Great Value" skim milk for $3.09. It'll have to do. Behind the 5 glass doors that usually house the eggs is a lone partial crate of dozens, so I grab one. Checking the paper carton for dots. We have all seen the directive telling us that SARS-CoV-2 lives for up to 24 hours on paper. Not like the expression "sure it makes dog turds smell fresh "ON Paper"". So not like that; literally the germs alighting on actual paper. Oh great, dog turds with lemon pledge on them is in my head.

They don't sell the 190 proof Everclear in California that was on the DIY WHO hand sanitizer meme I made a couple of days ago. So just for fun I head down to the isle where they might have hand sanitizer. On my way I see the toilet paper shelves are still empty. 3 women were stocking shelves in the next row over with cleaning products and talking amongst themselves. A shopper is asking them a question. A minor cloud of those playful dots is emanating from her mouth. From all of their mouths. I scooch past them with my head down like I am in a drizzle of green and blue dots. As if keeping my head down would make a difference. No Hand Sand or wipes so on to check out.

People are doing it. Keeping the 6' clean zone in the check out out lines. In the alley leading to the belt where you place your purchases I am on alert for the sound of coughing or sneezing. Picturing in my mind fountains of blue and green dots like a low frequency animated fireworks display coming from the other lines of people. Arching over in my direction. I didn't hear any, you know how it is when you have to stand it a line, the mind wanders.

In front of me a mother with 2 boys is doing that thing where essential items are on the belt, then other things from the cart are added one at a time. Most to least important as she watches the total go up to how much money she has. Organic apple vinegar cider didn't make the cut. Trying not to get too close to the boys I carefully set the heavy jug of cold milk on the end of the belt. I really do love kids but today I imagine blue and green dots coming off of them like the dirt plume that surrounds Peanuts' Pig-Pen. Growing a little as the boys tussle as boys tend to do.

I slide the SNAP card through the reader. On the key pad it isn't dots but a haze of green goo. I forgot that bags are free when I use the SNAP card so carry the items out bagless. Which requires I juggle a bit to figure out the hand sanitizer dispenser at the exit. The goo is weighing on my mind. When I get in the car the ancient tub of Clorox wipes I found under the sink provides me a way to further clean my hands then the food packages and steering wheel. Glancing at the receipt I see I was charged the regular amount for the bread. Damnit, I'm losing my edge.

We're on a big game hunt here. Still need strawberries. Off to the 99¢ store. Not the usual busy but a lot more people than on my visit there Saturday. The people hawking free cell phone service are back in front of the store. Strawberries are at the back of the store. Something is different. Like the retail hunter I am I sense a difference in this jungle. People are fairly well spaced, but I don't feel the same vibe of keeping the 6' clean zone. Is WalMart a classier joint? That's a weird thing to think about. I take the isle less traveled to get to the produce section. The floating dots are darker here not the pastel grass green and 50-50 bar orange. Racing green and the orange of, of ah something really dark orange.

There are several of the 1 lb plastic boxes of strawberries for $1.49, the usual price. There is one with very dark berries that looks unmolested. I can't tell if those are gnats or the floating dots.

I can't resist going by the cold box. I have gotten some cool processed food and dairy there for 99¢ that I would not otherwise buy. Other people are hovering close to the doors so I keep my distance, straining to see. One person moves and I approach. The woman to my right has a smear of the cg dots on her arm. Then I see it. Fucking Producers whole milk gallons for $3.69. You know that Walmart gets a better wholesale price on those than the 99¢ store does. “Save Money. Live Better” My ass. I already have the milk, don't see any deals, so I take the empty far wall route back to the front.

I spot 24oz Rockstar energy drinks on a pallet with no price tag. That means that they are 99¢. I usually drink half of a regular one 3-4 times a week. I like them but 8oz is enough. 3x8oz enough to get me through to direct deposit day, cool, I take one. I go to the refrigerated ones and exchange it for a colder one. No dots there but I make a point of keeping my hands away from my face till I can get back to the car. Also no price marker for the Rockstar there.

I get in the shorter check out line. Then I see why it's shorter. The people in the longer line are keeping distance. I'm keeping distance. Making faces at the little guy in front of me in the shopping cart. When it's my turn I pull out the regular debit card. SNAP is all but exhausted for this month. Imaginary dark green slime on this card reader is dripping off. I'm not so distracted that I don't notice that the Rockstar is $1.99. With a sigh I tell the young man that it had no $1.99 price sign. In nasal American teenager mush mouth he says "Oh yeah, Let me call my manger". Oh yeah he says. He knows that it is not labeled and it should be. I am really sucking at the Safari man shopper thing today. With another sigh I say "Just let some one know" and I leave.

The wipes routine again when I get to the car. Open the drink and take a swig.
No field dressing of wild strawberries. I bagged my limit and proceeded back home.

I made the waffles with the waffle bowl maker I got a couple of years ago. On sale of course. I used corn flour to add a nice corn flavor. No reason to get crazy with the gluten.

They tasted wonderful.

This has been a production of Books on tape.
No it hasn't. Don't be a goof.
Just a longer than usual one of my day in the life essays.

Even with the virus out there wanting to sicken, even kill us, there is no reason a silly bit of imagination can't help us keep diligent and our sense of humor going at the same time.

You can only do what you can do. 

You still have to make a run for provisions from time to time. 

Play big game hunter.

Update: I got have gotten unexpected responses form this blog post. 
Offers of food and even money. 
Thanks. It is much appreciated, the kindness of the gesture is the biggest help, makes my heart glow, looking forward to that soup, but that was not my intention. 

Clarification: The thing about my poverty and medical woes was just to frame my shopping expedition. Going a week or two without cash is more boring than anything else. My pantry is full; canned good, dry goods, freezer. Literally only milk and eggs ran out and strawberries are a luxury item, which is what makes them special. Lots of people, most people I would guess have more difficult lives than I do. I've never even had the opportunity to look after anyone but me. I can't even imagine having a wife and crew of kids to look after, care about, be/share responsibility for. 

What I was trying to share was one way that I use imagination to lighten the load of sensory overload and uncertainty. Dance with it instead of letting it rule you. A way to actively approach the day to day challenges like an adventure not a stressful task. Utilize the absurdist philosophy of Camus.